Oh baby, baby it's wild world.

I am done with my LDR. I can’t do it anymore.

i don’t know how to talk to him.

Text from the boyfriend:
“HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! Future Mother of my children.”

WHHHHHHHHY IS HE SO CUUUUUUUUTE. 

gee, i’m sorry.

i thought that was called commitment to my boyfriend.

really?

Every Goddamn time I look at facebook someone else is getting engaged. 

All I want is to get out of this little tiny fucking town.

Literally the other night at my friend’s birthday party this girl and this guy asked me about Phil and I and where he was. I said Portland and that I intended on moving there. “Portland…Where is that?” Really….Really? 

AllIWantx2 is to be with my boyfriend, who I couldn’t be more in love with. 

Granted I may have only been there a week. But getting a taste of what it would be like to live there and with him…was the best thing ever.

Deep breaths. I need to be patient. 

i fell asleep around 1a.m. and woke up 22 minutes later crying from a bad dream that just kept reoccurring every single time I woke up and went back to sleep. 

Basically, it was Phil and I. And I kept having to get on a plane to leave him.  And I would get that gut wrenching awful feeling which would cause me to wake up. I need him. I need to be with him. 

The only thing keeping me here is my love for my mother. And if anything were to happen to her once I move to Portland I would never forgive myself. But I also can’t just stay here my whole life being scared. 

When I was visiting portland a few weeks ago…i didn’t miss home. not once. What I did miss was my mom, my cat, and my friend steph. That is it. Nothing else. I didn’t miss them to the extent that I miss Phil though. I’m sure there will be days where I do. Where I miss my mom that it hurts. But I feel like with todays technology, skype, texting, and a phone call can cure that. I just need her to be strong for me for once and support me through out this whole thing.

I know what we need to do. He needs a job, and money. So that when I get there there is stability. I need a new better paying job, sell my car, and get us a new one…like a suv kinda. Something reliable that can make it across the country. 

I guess I’m just having a hard time dealing with this. That pain of getting on that plane and leaving him is still lingering and its hurting so bad. I know it will all be okay. But I also know it wont be completely okay until we’re together again.

At the end of the day…I’m so thankful for him and my family and friends. 

I just need to be patient. <3

i wish i had someone to talk to.

I dreamt I held you in my arms. But when I awoke dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head and cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I went to Portland to visit my boyfriend of a year and a half. I had to leave on Tuesday to come back. Needless to say I am not doing well. I’m not okay. I miss him. I love him. And I really need to be with him. The night I got home I talked to my mom about moving there. I don’t have anything going for me in this town that I am in. I’m working at a dead end job. I have little friends. 

While I was away I missed my mother, my friend, and my cat. That is it. I did not miss “home” one bit. In talking to my mom and a few others about it. I feel like I’m not getting the support and love that I need. 

My heart aches. I don’t feel well. I know that as the days and weeks go on that we are apart more that we both will start feeling a little better and that it will get a tiny bit easier. 

This time apart needs to go by fast. And when things start falling together I can only hope and pray they fall together the way we want them to, efficiently. 

I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!

I just want to scream or cry.

or.

both.

i don’t want to be here.

i want/need to be back in portland.

they say home is where the heart is.

he has my heart.

when i’m with him, 

i am home.

i wish i had someone…but hes it. hes the only one. there is not a single person other than my mother that will sit and listen to me cry, complain, be happy, be angry, be sad, anything…other than him. hes my heart and soul. and i love him more than anything.

please dear god,

if its not too much to ask…please let things start falling into place quickly..and correctly..thank you..

sincerely, jena.